Gossip
by ShiverBoo
Summary: Strange, completely screwed up oneshot with absolutely no plot whatsoever. Have fun, please read and review!


**Disclaimer: We are not the owners of the characters or places used in our stories. We own the plot.**

**A/N: This is just a funny little one-shot that we wrote during Calculus. Hope you like it.**

**  
Enjoy!**

**Gossip**

"Orange is my favourite colour."

"That's uhh…interesting."

"My fur is orange," Crookshanks meowed.

"Obviously," drawled his companion. "I do have vision, you know."

"Really? I hadn't noticed."

The owl hooted and fluffed her feathers. "Is there a point to this conversation?"

"Not really." Crookshanks licked himself for a moment. "My woman keeps disappearing."

Athene's eyes grew dark. "As does my man," she said softly, connecting the two disappearances. "Are you and Mrs. Norris still together?" Athene asked softly, ignoring the jealousy of her master being with that woman.

Crooks' fur bristled. "She was having a thing with Fang. Apparently she wanted a protector…" Crookshanks resumed his cleaning. "But a Boarhound…?" he murmured to himself.

"Don't worry, Crooks, there are more felines in the castle."

"So, you and Pig?"

Athene's eyes widened—if that's possible for an owl. "Let's just hope I don't run into him anytime soon." She lifted her beak. "I broke the fool's heart."

"Well, he is rather annoying," Crooks drawled as he licked his paw.

"And he never told me that he was that _small_."

"We all knew, Athene. We see him every day…"

Athene gave him an annoyed glare.

"Oh!" Crooks laughed. "You meant…"

"Yes," she said angrily.

"You know, you and Hedwig should—"

"Don't even finish that sentence or I'll castrate you," Athene said, stretching her talons for effect.

Just then the snowy white owl entered. "Are yours missing?" she asked lazily, taking perch next to Athene. Both animals nodded.

"Do you think they're…together?" Crookshanks asked.

"Probably," Athene said. "My master had become rather enamoured of your masters."

"Do you know where they could be?" Hedwig asked. "I have a letter."

Crookshanks looked up the perch curiously. "From who?"

"I'm not sure; a post owl gave it to me for Harry."

"We should read it," Athene said, her eyes getting a malicious glint not unlike her master's.

Hedwig shook her head. "Disrespectful!"

"Who cares about respect?" Crookshanks said. "Open the letter," he ordered Athene.

Athene took the letter from Hedwig and ripped it open. In a puff of smoke a bottle appeared. The three animals looked at it with question. Athene looked at the label on the bottle. "What's _lubricant_?"

Hedwig groaned. "I knew we should have left it alone. He's going to be angry."

"I'll take it to them," Crookshanks said.

"Don't you dare! I'll drop it off in his room. In his _trunk _so that no one else sees it," Hedwig insisted. "Don't you two know what that _is_?"

"Yes, and since they are obviously together right now, they need it," Crookshanks told Hedwig. "They'll both be in pain without it," he amended.

"You're not taking it to them," Hedwig stated.

"Yes, I am," Crookshanks said, picking up the bottle and taking it out of the common room. When he was almost to the room he ran into the very person that the delivery was supposed to go to.

"Oh, hey Crooks," he said. "Whatcha got there?" he asked, grabbing the bottle from the cat's mouth. He looked at it and turned red.

"Mr. Potter," Professor McGonagall said as she passed by. "What do you have there?" she asked.

"Umm…it's to umm…polish my wand."

"Very well…let's not tarry in the halls."

"Yes ma'am," he said and thrust the bottle into his pocket. "Next time be a bit more discreet," he told Crookshanks.

Crooks just laughed as he watched the dark-haired wizard go into a room which emitted the giggles of his woman and the teasing voice of Athene's man.

He went back into the room and was shocked by the position he found Hedwig and Athene in.

"Let go of it, you bitch!" Athene yelled, one wing wrapped around Hedwig's throat.

"No!" Hedwig yelled. "And don't degrade me by calling me a dog!"

"Well, you're acting like one!"

"It was my R!"

"There's no R in yellow!" Hedwig said. "And it was my R!"

"Will you two knock it off?" Crookshanks purred. "You're irritating."

"She took my R!" Athene said.

"Get over it! It's Scrabble!" he scolded.

"Scrabble's my favourite game!" Hedwig said.

"You two are so—"

_Boom! _The school blew up and Voldemort's cackle of laughter was heard from a distance.

"Ha. Ha."

**Finis!**

**A/N: We know, pointless.**

**Lemons and Love**

**Brittany and Amber**


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